I am sitting at the metro station writing this, fighting back tears, and I am sure I will end up posting this from the airport gate, actively crying. I am so grateful for this experience, and I miss home so much. At the same time I cannot imagine leaving this place that I got to build a life within. The Portuguese have a word that encapsulates all these feelings, saudade. While there is no direct english translation, it essentially describes a yearning or longing for something or someone that may never come back, a bittersweet love and nostalgia for something that is lost.

I think that is part of the beauty of study abroad, you get to borrow a life here, learn about the culture, broaden your horizons and contribute to your community. Then you get to return home with all those lessons, newfound feelings, realizations and growth. You now know that the world is bigger than what you have been comfortable with and used to, and you got a taste of a different way of life, probably a slower life. Part of the reason study abroad is so beautiful and an experience is because it doesn’t last. When Things are permanent we have a tendency to not appreciate them as much as we should.

I don’t really know what happens after that. I know that I will never be 20, living in Lisbon, working my dream internship and exploring the city, staying up until sunrise with my friends again. We existed in this beautiful bubble that can never be recreated. I know that in some capacity I will mourn/grieve/cherish/reminisce/yearn (for) this trip, probably for a very long time. Hopefully for forever. Hopefully, if I am fortunate enough, this will not be the last time I get to do something like this. Luckily, the end of my research is not over, and I get to continue working remotely on the project I have been helping with this whole summer (but more on that another time).

I also know that I am homesick. I miss my brother, my family, my friends, Pitt, diet coke, self serve froyo, AC in every building I walk into. I am grateful to have so many good things waiting for me at home, and I am in many ways excited to be back. So many things about this are oxymorons. It is both devastating leaving, and impossible not to miss home. I am lucky to have found and built a community here in just nine weeks, and it is hard to say goodbye. I recognize that it is such a privilege to have found a home in Lisbon, in Buffalo and in Pittsburgh, that I have a place that feels like my own halfway across the world, a place I have loved sharing with you all. I truly believe that it is a gift to feel so sad over something ending, because I got to experience so many incredible things

I do not think I could ever fully articulate how magical and wonderful this experience was, and how lucky I am to be apart of it, but please know that I am incredibly grateful for these past two months.